Hey Fucks, tired of awesome douchebags being dicks and taking your bitches? Cry no more, if you can't beat them, join them right? So forget the good shit you gotta work for, it's all about instant gratification. Follow these simple easy steps, and oh yeah, don't forget to brag the fuck out of what you've done so people know how much of a bad ass you are.
Step One: Pick something cool you want to be a part of, and milk the shit out of it. It can be something you just found out about today. It can be something you saw on Fuel TV a couple of times. The point isn't how much you know about it, or how how good you really are at it. Just make sure people can identify you with it. Wear the gear, throw around a couple of key words, and invite everyone to join you sometime. Anyone who doesn't talk to you about it or have the time to join you probably doesn't know what they're talking about anyways. Just start accusing them of being lame, and when they walk away, make jokes about how they probably didn't know shit. The more you talk shit, the better it makes you look without actually doing anything. To be a pro, just look and talk like one, bro.
Example: Yeah I saw Shaun White do a couple of McwhateverTwists on X Games at my brother-in-law's house cause he pays for ESPN and I come over sometimes. Anyways, I got a Custom, you know, from Burton. It matches the Monster cap I wear with my Hurley logo tee I wear just to make sure people get that I do extreme sports. I hang my board on the wall in the living room of my apartment, so everyone can see it. Anytime someone comes over to chill, we hang out right there. I don't even have to know what the fuck I'm talking about. Shit, I don't even have to go snowboarding. As soon as they look at the board, I'll just immediately talk about Mammoth. "You go to Mammoth yet this year, bro? You should come with us sometime, we'll all just rent a place, drink beers, have a good time. Oh you can't go? That's fucking lame man, how come every time I try to get all of us together to go, y'all are mad flakers on me? Fuck that shit. I'm going to get my carve on, you know grind some rails bro, you know, 360s yeah, fuck yeah right? Fuck yeah."
Step Two: Make sure everyone knows how awesome you are by making everything else look bad. Anything is fair game. If you know that someone else does that thing you identify yourself with to be cool, talk shit on that person. Instigate the fuck out of them. Really challenge them and evoke the shit out of them. I like to bring it out on people on facebook or when we're all hanging out. But mostly I like facebook cause it gives me time to think of a proper comeback, or at least google one. I'll ask an open question, most of the time beginning with a passive-aggressively negative comment that makes it look like I know what I'm talking about like, "Fuck man, where can I get some actual good surf around here--anyone know of a spot?" or "These conditions are for fucking amateurs, man, where there fuck am I supposed to go around here, drive all the way to <insert name of impossibly far, but good place here> ?" Raise your hands up in disappointment, give a smug chuckle or laugh or two for dramatic effect. Wait for it, and one of two things will happen: (1) people will agree, win for you. (2) someone will speak up and prolong the conversation, also win for you. If this happens, this is the perfect opportunity to bring attention to yourself by ways of Step One.
Step Three: Be all about the bitches, but always blame the bitches. When you do something, brag about how the bitches love it. Brag about how many bitches you met and fucked from doing it. It could've been that the bitch was piss-ass drunk and depressed as fuck when she met you, but that's some minor details no one cares about. As long as it happened more than once, even if it was just twice, you can claim plural form: bitches. I go by the "5 Second Rule." If she gave you more than 5 seconds of her time, fair game. Brag worthy. If she didn't care for you, blame it on her. Fuck girls, they're all bitches anyway. Bitches be whack like that, they don't know what they're talking about anyway. Are they giving you shit? Blame it on the drama girls like to bring. Don't bother asking them how they are feeling, or hear them out, just drop the ho cause she's whack. Moody. As. Shit. You got all these other bitches wanting you anyways. Ain't nobody got time for that.
And finally, when you can combine these three steps, congrats. You're a fucking pro. Lemme give you an example. I go to Mt. High with my buddies, right? We drinking beers at the bar, keeping it low-key because the conditions are whack and I'm above that icy shit right? Over it. Anyways, we make sure all our gear is spread out on the table like we've been shredding it all day so we need it to dry next to our sick Custom boards, we talk and laugh really loud cause bitches love that. Bitches love looking at us. Any chick who's like, a 6 and above, are going to be your typical "PRINCESS" and like it when a guy talks her down a little bit, show her who's boss. They love bad boys so just be a dick. She'll probably play hard to get, but that only means she wanted you. Some girls are gonna be a bitch about it, but like I said, 6 and above are total Princesses. They're sluts and they're too into themselves anyways. But bitches want it. Nice guys finish last. Remember that.
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