For all my single ladies/men:
I don't know why it is that I enjoy dating shows. Sometimes I attribute it to the slow moving train wreck phenomenon. Sometimes I try to sound more educated and blame my fascination of character development on my literary background (but who am I kidding, I'm just an English major from a UC who was a pre-med at some point). The truth is, I just find it appealing. I get invested. I find a contestant I really like and I root for him or her. But in the end, the outcome is usually the same. The person I like the best always gets booted off the show. So I was inspired to write about this, because this is also true when I talk to my friends about their relationship. The girl/guy I like always gets the boot, and the jerk always stays. So let me share with you what I've learned from dating shows and from my friends' experiences.
Enter: "The General List of Things I've Noticed in Dating"
1. People always distinguish the difference between romantic and friendly interest. I'm starting off with the obvious, because it doesn't matter how many times people hear this, they will still fail to remember it when they are dating. I'm going to try to make this one as clear as possible:
- If you are interested in someone, show it. When you are shy or nervous or self-conscious, you are doing the opposite of being interested: you are just being friendly. And if it looks and feels like friendly, then it just is. On the other hand, if more-than-friends is what you're going after, go ahead! Flirt a little. Care a little more. It's okay, that is how you feel.
- If you are filling the air with euphemisms, keeping your distance, dancing around the interest, you are only prolonging the inevitable. First of all, if the feeling is mutual, it has nothing to do with how you approach things. It really just crumbles down to who you two are. Period. Any tricks and fancy facades will later be figured out anyways and the fake-chemistry will die out. So the best thing to do is to give the other person the respect and proper opportunity to let you know what's up and reject you. If you don't let them have the chance, you are simply not allowed to later accuse that person of leading you on.
- Being nice is not being romantic. Anyone can be nice. Friends can be nice. Acquaintances can be nice. Hell, your grandmother can be nice. I hear that sob story all the time, wah wah I was so nice to this person, and I still get the boot. Well, I'm sorry, that is just moot point. If I wanted someone to be nice to me, I'm just going to call my Momma cause she always asks me how I'm doing. And she is the nicest lady I know. Don't stop being nice, being nice is GREAT. But what else you got for me ?
- People legitimately like their best friend, they just don't always like-like them. So, I've heard a few people get sad that they were the essential best friend to their person of interest, but the feeling was never mutual. Well, I mean, that happens all the time. The best friend is legitimately liked. Bravo--you really were a great person. I don't necessarily agree with the people who snub their "best friend of gender of supposed sexual preference," but it happens. It's usually for some lame excuse about how you can't make up chemistry, but you can always find someone you can get along well with, or something like that. I don't know. It happens. That being said...
2. Interest in someone usually means that the person is interesting. This of course, brings a different meaning depending on each person for how one found is to be interesting, but DUH, interest means interesting. We're just tacking on the "-ing" to turn the same word into an adjective to describe someone.
- Usually, a person has to be another person to be interesting. I get that this is another seemingly obvious statement, but again, you'd be surprised by how often this point is overlooked. Yes-Men are boring as shit. People who are really agreeable and offering little-to-nothing of their own thoughts are usually ones who fade into the distance. I don't advise you to pick a fight all the time or to be difficult as shit. I just mean that if talking to you is like talking to dry-wall, then obviously, you're about as interesting as dry-wall. Looking like an idiot at least makes you look like an idiotic person. That's not an excuse to be an idiot, just more of an assurance that the fear of embarrassing yourself or upsetting the other person shouldn't be as big of a fear as not revealing the interesting truth of you who actually are inside.
- There's always something new to learn about yourself. I mean this both in the deep philosophical way that encourages you to continue discover more about yourself everyday, but also in the way that encourages you to assert yourself to the other person as an interesting, dynamic person. It's so easy to be fooled into assuming you know what the other person wants, and subconsciously, fall into the trap of continuing to be that ideal person consistently. Well here's the thing, you don't always know what the other person wants, and also, the other person doesn't even always know what they want either. So don't fall into the trap of being typecasted in the same role, doing the same routine, or you'll plateau interest-wise as well. Which reminds me...
3. Your bad side will always be figured out eventually. Dating has huge, huge potential for tricks and illusions. This point could be your greatest advantage, but it could also be your worst disadvantage. I also had the habit of getting caught up in my actions and neurotically trying to decipher the other person's. Chill. The truth always catches up, so:
- You can't change who you are. This means, those blue jeans or those black slacks, whatever. Just choose the one you like best and enjoy yourself on that date! If you really think 2 hours spent wrecking havoc on your wardrobe is somehow going to be David Copperfield's greatest trick, we need to bring you back to reality. The worst thing that can happen is that the person doesn't like your physical flaws, or thinks your style sucks. Well, whatever, that person is superficial then, anyways. Or could just be incompatibility. You guys will figure it out, eventually. Let those folded cotton T's remain organized in peace.
- Remember that you eventually want them to like you, both the good and the bad parts. And vice versa. Here's the thing, if you're strictly thinking short term, then okay. Forget this point. If you're thinking more potential long-term, then listen up: all the things your friends told you to hide is bullshit. Be yourself. Someone's going to love you for who you are. And if they don't, then don't try to convince someone otherwise for a short amount of time, cause that's how divorces happen.
- Still, don't be too crazy too soon. Be yourself, but don't scare anyone away before they even get the opportunity to meet you. Humans just work well this way in general. We start with a little appetizer, have some soup, maybe some salad, then we get to the main course. Movies and books start out with a little introduction, then it builds up before the crazy, juicy part happens. I'm running out of analogies that remain as general as possible. But I think I got my point across. But anyway, I don't need to spend too much time on it because...
4. Sometimes, people like the bad side. I mean, people are bound to like bad sides, so we can't immediately rule yours as their worst idea of one.
- Imperfections are okay. I think, often, we're under the impression that selling ourselves to another person is selling the best of something. Like, the best athlete or the smartest person. Or the most perfect character or most charismatic. Whatever. Say, your person of interest is really business oriented. Well, if they wanted the perfect business partner, they'd be interviewing for one. Maybe this person is actually okay that you don't know your stock and figures, and they find it endearing at times. Maybe this person is okay with that trait being your fault and is focused on something else.
- Sometimes your crazy trait makes things interesting. In fact, I've been often surprised by the fact that some people continue to put up with the crazy, time after time. See point 2.
- Sometimes the other person's bad side matches up with yours. Hopefully this doesn't work together like gasoline and fire, but hey we all got our "things," right? Maybe they got something for your bad side and you bring out the best in each other. Who knows, it's dating! Let's throw shit together and have fun! And remember...
5. The better person isn't always the better person in general, just one who is better for you. Okay, realistically, none of us are perfect, and none of us are completely horrible. But I feel like a lot of times, we forget the true nature of dating. It's just the time when two people figure out their feelings and how their personalities match up with each other's. Then later, you two will get to the life goals and ideals and all that detail afterwards. But, let me share with you a problem that I have when I try to help people with dating advice. I, too, forget the main point of dating. Especially when someone is my friend, I want them to be with the most amazing, perfect person ever. And sometimes I get carried away with myself and judge the shit out of the person they are dating. And then I try to find ways to manipulate the situation to help them get what would seem like the best outcome. But then, in this case, I'm just violating all the rules I spelled out above. Dating is really nothing other than figuring more out about the person, before it gets too late and you'd have to spend thousands of dollars on lawyers cause you waited too long to figure that shit out.
The only way I think someone can screw up dating is by withholding the inevitable. The best way to date is to be honest to yourself and the other person. That is all.
