Unfortunately for me (and you), the Kardashians were left running on our TV during dinner tonight. From the corner of my eye, and for more than just an ear shot away, I had the privilege of having my blood boil to an outrage worse than I could have from watching the O’Reilly Factor. Therefore I have been compelled to write:
Common Misconceptions of “The Bitchy Girlfriend(s)” and My Response to Her(s)
1. “He needs to learn”/”I need to teach him a lesson”
In an argument, cast away any assumptions that your boyfriend may have ESP and all following notions of passive aggressive behavior in response. Basically, drop ANY erroneous belief that your boyfriend SHOULD know something and that he should somehow be punished for not knowing—so that “he will know for the next time.” Definitely don’t give him the silent treatment “to teach him.” Give your man a little respect and talk to him like a human being. Have faith that he’ll understand, because you’re in a relationship together as equals. Leave the obedience classes to PetSmart for the mini-poodle you keep in your doggie purse. If he really is clueless on everything and needs that much help, well… don’t turn HIM into your fix-it project. Zoom out the focus: it’s the clash in the needs and wants between you two that needs to be re-calibrated.
2. “If he loved me, I’d always be his first priority…in everything”
Being your boyfriend is just one role he holds out of many in his life. Certainly, he should devotedly respect, love and care for you. But, let him live out who he is… in all aspects. Sometimes he will need some bro time, so yeah, he needs friends to chill out with and sometimes it will be without you. But, you haven’t lost any importance in his life. And sometimes he will need alone time. Or play some video games, work on a new project, jam out, or whatever. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, he just needs time to regroup and be who he is. Trust me, he needs the personal therapy and he will be with you with much better energy. You don’t want to be stifling your boyfriend from the best of what he can be. Letting each other grow doesn’t always mean growing apart, and if it does, it wasn’t because YOU did anything wrong, it’s just life. So loosen up on that grip. And give yourself the time too, to have your own hobbies and friends. Otherwise, the both of you will face the nightmare of losing sight of who you are and who you are with anymore.
3. “We’re not done talking about it because he doesn’t understand me”
We all have our moment of pride, and frequently, it can be hard to back down in an argument—and that’s true for anyone. I understand these points aren’t always limited to a specific gender, but regardless, this point counts for this list. Often times, it’s hard to let go until you win, but settling with a compromise, or even pausing the argument (when it has snowballed into disaster) until you both clear your minds, is not a bad thing. Hey, we’re all human. It isn’t the first misunderstanding you will have, and it won’t be the last. If each battle were tallied up for score, your relationship becomes a war zone and nobody wins. And you know what? Sometimes you are wrong. And that’s okay. You will have plenty of time to learn more about him just as much as he will continue to learn about you. It all doesn’t have to happen right now. Don’t make it an angry effort.
4. “I have the right to, because I’m his girlfriend”
A relationship deals with how you two are connected to each other; it’s not an entitlement for one person over the other. Being a good girlfriend (and boyfriend) requires a lot of respect, and you can’t respect the other person without trusting them. Why? Because respecting someone is giving them due regard for who they are as an individual. You don’t now own his blackberry, his desk drawers, his email account. And sometimes personal space is completely necessary because often we misconstrue what partial information we receive until we later learn the full story. And by then, good luck with not letting your ego get in the way. If you reach a point of finding out he’s a scum-bag cheating SOB, then you’ve got a whole new issue on your hands. But until then, keep the check up on keeping up your open lines of communication, not on finding things out behind-the-scenes.
5. “He’s not perfect, so he’s not a good boyfriend”
Look, you are not dating Noah from the Notebook. He doesn’t exist; someone took the time to write a planned out script and had it edited and reedited. You’re not even dating the real dude—Ryan Gosling—because, puh-lease. It’s Ryan fucking Gosling. So give your man a break. He’s talking to you in real time, no scripts memorized (unless he’s a smooth talking skeeze, which you don’t want anyways), so he will make mistakes. Yeah he accidently mis-complemented you, or missed out on some details or something. Do speak up plainly, but don’t make it a huge ordeal. Unless they have a hotline you can call for something he did, he’s probably not the worst boyfriend ever. You will be okay. He’s a human. He’s not “supposed to” buy you x and y and z and say specific things correctly or bend over backwards to make all your wants fulfilled. He’s your boyfriend and he’s supposed to love you. Again, if he’s not making you happy, stop focusing on what HE can do for you all the time. Consider what’s going on between you both, and work at that. It takes teamwork, baby. It’s a relationship.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Love by any other name
This past year has really humbled my heart. I've learned a lot about relationships, both through my own personal account and through my friends and family's. We've gone through it all: starting new relationships, mending old ones; we’ve announced engagements, weddings, babies, and even divorces. If there was only one thing you’d read from what I wrote, at least read this: please be fair to each other, be kind, respect one another, and appreciate love when you have it. In this world, this is truly rare to find.
Some people laugh at relationships and claim that humans weren't made for monogamy. But I don't think that it matters what religion you believe in, or rather, if you believe in any sort of organized religion at all--humans are more than just mindless creatures; we have the ability to think, and with our minds we can have good judgment. We undeniably have feelings and are affected by them. I don't think that showing commitment to one person is unnatural. Staying committed is simply remaining loyal to someone you care about. When we love someone, if it is real, we must be sincere and genuine in our words and actions. We become devoted, because it is only fair to hold truth to what you promised. Loving someone requires vulnerability, and that doesn't mean being weak or revealing all emotions at full disclosure, it just means that you are putting yourself out there, and are trusting the other person to not take advantage of your heart at it's weakest points. Not only has a broken heart proven over time to be one of the deepest, hardest hitting pain, no one has a cure for it--that is what why loving someone is the ultimate vulnerability. That’s why it’s so scary. And that’s why we have to hold our loved ones in the highest regard for loving us back.
For a long time, I questioned what exactly "cheating" really means. We can all generally agree on the definition of physical cheating, but when emotional cheating comes into play, the line grows fuzzy. But now I see, cheating is hard to define if you limit its definition to individual actions. In truth, cheating is simply acting dishonestly or unfairly to gain your own advantage. And I think that when we cheat in relationships, we're really only cheating ourselves. Once the obvious act of cheating can be pinpointed to infidelity, it is already at the late point of cheating. When you want to cheat outside your relationship, you should actually realize that there is a problem in the relationship itself. The reason why this is cheating is because you're allowing yourself to sneak around the actual problem, and it’s wrong because it’s at the risk of everyone’s hearts—including your own. Instead of facing the problem, you avoid it; you seek for a solution outside of it, or you push matters aside with the distracting dreams of something else. The true deception here isn't whatever you can pull off behind your significant other's back. It is actually the trick you're pulling on yourself to believe that you could have it all and get away with it, that somehow you could avoid the pain, yet receive the gain without any consequences. Somehow, you figure, you've cheated the system.
Sometimes we think we've fallen in love with someone, but we’re too afraid to admit that it had been infatuation all along. Or sometimes we did love the person, but we could not stay in love with them longer. And sometimes in the end, people just grow apart. Relationships do end, and that is okay. It is unfortunate that we must break up with someone we had shared so much with and that we must face the pain that incurs with leaving them. But the truth is, relationships only move forward. That is life, and we must live it, because otherwise you'd only be cheating yourself from the honest life you deserve. Each promise you make in the next step is only stronger than the last. You'd be a fool to think the person you're progressing with would ever change to be the person you are only imagining you'd want them to be. Love them and see them for who they are, and expect the same in return. So be honest to yourself and to the other person. Take your time. Make sure your words are true to whom you can be true to. And when you do make a promise, stay true to it. Follow through with your words. Be loyal to yourself and the person you love. Because the whole point of a relationship is that you're both in it together—not you more, or you less. Be fair.
Some people laugh at relationships and claim that humans weren't made for monogamy. But I don't think that it matters what religion you believe in, or rather, if you believe in any sort of organized religion at all--humans are more than just mindless creatures; we have the ability to think, and with our minds we can have good judgment. We undeniably have feelings and are affected by them. I don't think that showing commitment to one person is unnatural. Staying committed is simply remaining loyal to someone you care about. When we love someone, if it is real, we must be sincere and genuine in our words and actions. We become devoted, because it is only fair to hold truth to what you promised. Loving someone requires vulnerability, and that doesn't mean being weak or revealing all emotions at full disclosure, it just means that you are putting yourself out there, and are trusting the other person to not take advantage of your heart at it's weakest points. Not only has a broken heart proven over time to be one of the deepest, hardest hitting pain, no one has a cure for it--that is what why loving someone is the ultimate vulnerability. That’s why it’s so scary. And that’s why we have to hold our loved ones in the highest regard for loving us back.
For a long time, I questioned what exactly "cheating" really means. We can all generally agree on the definition of physical cheating, but when emotional cheating comes into play, the line grows fuzzy. But now I see, cheating is hard to define if you limit its definition to individual actions. In truth, cheating is simply acting dishonestly or unfairly to gain your own advantage. And I think that when we cheat in relationships, we're really only cheating ourselves. Once the obvious act of cheating can be pinpointed to infidelity, it is already at the late point of cheating. When you want to cheat outside your relationship, you should actually realize that there is a problem in the relationship itself. The reason why this is cheating is because you're allowing yourself to sneak around the actual problem, and it’s wrong because it’s at the risk of everyone’s hearts—including your own. Instead of facing the problem, you avoid it; you seek for a solution outside of it, or you push matters aside with the distracting dreams of something else. The true deception here isn't whatever you can pull off behind your significant other's back. It is actually the trick you're pulling on yourself to believe that you could have it all and get away with it, that somehow you could avoid the pain, yet receive the gain without any consequences. Somehow, you figure, you've cheated the system.
Sometimes we think we've fallen in love with someone, but we’re too afraid to admit that it had been infatuation all along. Or sometimes we did love the person, but we could not stay in love with them longer. And sometimes in the end, people just grow apart. Relationships do end, and that is okay. It is unfortunate that we must break up with someone we had shared so much with and that we must face the pain that incurs with leaving them. But the truth is, relationships only move forward. That is life, and we must live it, because otherwise you'd only be cheating yourself from the honest life you deserve. Each promise you make in the next step is only stronger than the last. You'd be a fool to think the person you're progressing with would ever change to be the person you are only imagining you'd want them to be. Love them and see them for who they are, and expect the same in return. So be honest to yourself and to the other person. Take your time. Make sure your words are true to whom you can be true to. And when you do make a promise, stay true to it. Follow through with your words. Be loyal to yourself and the person you love. Because the whole point of a relationship is that you're both in it together—not you more, or you less. Be fair.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
To Simba
It is a funny thing, I think. We achieve with purpose; we try to lead our lives within paths that we hope will lead us towards something that can make it all worthwhile. It seems to be that the end of our goals is what we hope will bring us meaning to our lives. But you should remember that no matter where you do go, or where you hope to be lead to, after all, the place that will always be there for you return to, is home. What we are really living for is always inside of us. We’ve loved it all along.
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