Unfortunately for me (and you), the Kardashians were left running on our TV during dinner tonight. From the corner of my eye, and for more than just an ear shot away, I had the privilege of having my blood boil to an outrage worse than I could have from watching the O’Reilly Factor. Therefore I have been compelled to write:
Common Misconceptions of “The Bitchy Girlfriend(s)” and My Response to Her(s)
1. “He needs to learn”/”I need to teach him a lesson”
In an argument, cast away any assumptions that your boyfriend may have ESP and all following notions of passive aggressive behavior in response. Basically, drop ANY erroneous belief that your boyfriend SHOULD know something and that he should somehow be punished for not knowing—so that “he will know for the next time.” Definitely don’t give him the silent treatment “to teach him.” Give your man a little respect and talk to him like a human being. Have faith that he’ll understand, because you’re in a relationship together as equals. Leave the obedience classes to PetSmart for the mini-poodle you keep in your doggie purse. If he really is clueless on everything and needs that much help, well… don’t turn HIM into your fix-it project. Zoom out the focus: it’s the clash in the needs and wants between you two that needs to be re-calibrated.
2. “If he loved me, I’d always be his first priority…in everything”
Being your boyfriend is just one role he holds out of many in his life. Certainly, he should devotedly respect, love and care for you. But, let him live out who he is… in all aspects. Sometimes he will need some bro time, so yeah, he needs friends to chill out with and sometimes it will be without you. But, you haven’t lost any importance in his life. And sometimes he will need alone time. Or play some video games, work on a new project, jam out, or whatever. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, he just needs time to regroup and be who he is. Trust me, he needs the personal therapy and he will be with you with much better energy. You don’t want to be stifling your boyfriend from the best of what he can be. Letting each other grow doesn’t always mean growing apart, and if it does, it wasn’t because YOU did anything wrong, it’s just life. So loosen up on that grip. And give yourself the time too, to have your own hobbies and friends. Otherwise, the both of you will face the nightmare of losing sight of who you are and who you are with anymore.
3. “We’re not done talking about it because he doesn’t understand me”
We all have our moment of pride, and frequently, it can be hard to back down in an argument—and that’s true for anyone. I understand these points aren’t always limited to a specific gender, but regardless, this point counts for this list. Often times, it’s hard to let go until you win, but settling with a compromise, or even pausing the argument (when it has snowballed into disaster) until you both clear your minds, is not a bad thing. Hey, we’re all human. It isn’t the first misunderstanding you will have, and it won’t be the last. If each battle were tallied up for score, your relationship becomes a war zone and nobody wins. And you know what? Sometimes you are wrong. And that’s okay. You will have plenty of time to learn more about him just as much as he will continue to learn about you. It all doesn’t have to happen right now. Don’t make it an angry effort.
4. “I have the right to, because I’m his girlfriend”
A relationship deals with how you two are connected to each other; it’s not an entitlement for one person over the other. Being a good girlfriend (and boyfriend) requires a lot of respect, and you can’t respect the other person without trusting them. Why? Because respecting someone is giving them due regard for who they are as an individual. You don’t now own his blackberry, his desk drawers, his email account. And sometimes personal space is completely necessary because often we misconstrue what partial information we receive until we later learn the full story. And by then, good luck with not letting your ego get in the way. If you reach a point of finding out he’s a scum-bag cheating SOB, then you’ve got a whole new issue on your hands. But until then, keep the check up on keeping up your open lines of communication, not on finding things out behind-the-scenes.
5. “He’s not perfect, so he’s not a good boyfriend”
Look, you are not dating Noah from the Notebook. He doesn’t exist; someone took the time to write a planned out script and had it edited and reedited. You’re not even dating the real dude—Ryan Gosling—because, puh-lease. It’s Ryan fucking Gosling. So give your man a break. He’s talking to you in real time, no scripts memorized (unless he’s a smooth talking skeeze, which you don’t want anyways), so he will make mistakes. Yeah he accidently mis-complemented you, or missed out on some details or something. Do speak up plainly, but don’t make it a huge ordeal. Unless they have a hotline you can call for something he did, he’s probably not the worst boyfriend ever. You will be okay. He’s a human. He’s not “supposed to” buy you x and y and z and say specific things correctly or bend over backwards to make all your wants fulfilled. He’s your boyfriend and he’s supposed to love you. Again, if he’s not making you happy, stop focusing on what HE can do for you all the time. Consider what’s going on between you both, and work at that. It takes teamwork, baby. It’s a relationship.
